My eyelids flutter open sluggishly a few times as my mental gears begin to spring back to life, the wonky feeling of disorientation after a long nap filling my mind with its fuzzy cotton fluff. The first thing I notice is that I’m back in my old room at the family house on the far outskirts of El Reno, pastel white ceiling with a dome covered light above emitting its fluorescent hues onto a messy and unorganized catastrophe of a room. The window on the wall open to the amber rays of evening spilling in to mix with the artificial light. This initial little revelation shocks me for a second, the feeling of disbelief and questioning of reality all confusing and folding together in my mind before I realize with a gasp: I must be dreaming!
Finally! After over a week of failing to get back to lala-land I’m here again! I hop out of bed in eager anticipation, nearly slipping on the strewn about clothes and the mess in general as I struggle with my much more uncoordinated Earth body. That again is a shock, one that never fails to send a blue twisted twinge of homesickness and longing through my psyche as I trod up to the large standing mirror resting on the wall. With a mix of hard to define emotions I take back in my body of old.
Just past shoulder length wild curly brunette hair, a few strands tinging more on the blonde side than brown. Round but average face and nose holding tired seeming amber pits of color that stare back at me. A figure that I used to think of as plain, maybe even ugly after everything I went through with those three bitches that broke me down, but looking at it now? I somehow seem to still cut a decent silhouette. Not anywhere close to what I look like on Mara obviously, but I was certainly having some insecurity issues and stuff to not notice the way my hips slightly flare out. The way my breasts are springy and still defying gravity even at a high C cup. The healthy but still thinner waist that ties it all together.
I don’t know if I just… forgot all that exercise I used to be into probably left me looking quite attractive, or if the dream itself is favoring me now that I appreciate myself a bit more. Or if it’s all just a fabrication in general. But if this is truly how I looked back then, then I wish I could go back in time and try to give that girl who I used to be some much needed confidence in herself… Although, knowing my own past, I’m not really sure how effective that would have been anyway.
The scenery outside changes to a hint of blue which is my cue to get off the Depression Express as I shake my head and refocus my efforts. No sense in getting lost in past trauma when I have already come so far from it, and have such an important thing to do now that I’m finally here again~! I rummage through the discarded clothes on the floor, giving a sniff test to a tank top and gym shorts before putting them on and getting myself somewhat presentable. No sense in maybe flashing my folks if they are here, even if they are like… dream people.
A twin sister is more than enough on my list of breaking cultural, romantic, and sexual norms, thank you very much. I try and fix my tangled and unruly hair a few times with my hands, but after the third time of them getting stuck in a knot I just kind of shrug and let it be. I turn to look at the room that looks like it got hit by a tornado one last time – Heavens, I really did use to be a walking disaster, didn’t I? – before moving along the carpeted floor towards the plain, mass-produced cheap wooden door to my room.
With the creak of an equally mass-produced house in a rural suburb that’s 10 miles away from anything remotely fun to do, and 30 from the nearest good booze, I exit my old chambers and look around. The hallway outside seems pretty spot on, at least from what I can remember of it. Everything painted in that same pastel white as all the other rooms, a small table sitting against a wall with a lamp decorated in a flower etched base. Mom and dad’s room should be the door at the end of the way on the right while Sandra’s should be the one just across from me. To my left, the corridor opens up to the dining room and kitchen with the living room being beyond view past that on the left.
I don’t hear any voices, or any sounds of appliances or the TV being watched, so I decide to just go check the obvious spot first. Namely, Sandy’s room. With barefooted plods along the short, shaggy brown fiber at my feet, I tread up to her door. For some reason, my heart is picking up its speed, anxiety starting to stir within me though I don’t know why. I’ve been in her room hundreds of times before, why is my body tensing up now? As I grasp the round doorknob and creak my target open slowly, my eyes widen in awe as my mouth hangs open.
Instead of her old room which I expected to find, there’s a small forest clearing on the other side of the door. The vibrant smells of grass, dirt, and flowers all mix in a warm and gentle breeze that kisses past me as I take a hesitant step into this ethereal realm. In the center of the clearing, a large and crystal clear pond adorned with rocky perches here and there that hold various birds and critters who are all happily chirping, squeaking, or drinking from its no doubt pure waters. A few shadows pass overhead making me look up to see flocks of birds – big and small – all peacefully coexisting together and flying in playful patterns or coming down to roost on the limbs of nearby trees.
Speaking of the trees, they’re massive! Oaks, conifers, willows – by the pond at least -, cedars, everything! Trees that shouldn’t be able to exist in the same biome all massed and gathered together with long stalks of weeded grass or bushes beneath their canopies. And all of them are bigger than any variant I can remember ever seeing or reading about on Earth, some even growing so tall as to maybe rival the ancient Redwoods!
I cautiously continue to walk forward, feeling a bit on guard by the sudden realm shifting even if the atmosphere here is so… peaceful. With my feet treading through soft blades of brass and the cushy give of dirt, I walk around the pond while keeping a good distance from any of the critters frolicking about as I happen on a path at the end of the clearing. Water rounded stones lay perfectly in the dirt in crisscross patterns and varying sizes, an odd mix of deliberate placement and natural weathering that leads me further and further through the shadowed underside of the leafed ceiling above.
Birdsong and animal barks musically play through the air, vibrant in life and melody as I creep down the small winding trail, turning my head to take in the sights and sounds around me as I progress. After who knows how long of my little nature hike, I finally hear something other than the forest and its inhabitants. Something that stirs my heart into erratic bumps and sends my soul into eager chaos as I begin to rush forward.
When I find myself in times of trouble,
Mother Mary comes to me~.
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be~.
My heartbeat erupts in euphoric joy as I hear the airy, perfect tone gracing the air. With thudding footfalls that pull me ever closer to the beautiful voice serenading whatever is around her, I weave and push my way along the stone path. I’m almost jealous that I’m having to share this heavenly sound with whoever or whatever she’s singing to, but that emotion gets swept aside as I finally reach the end of the trail with heavy breaths of exertion. I reach out a hand to land against the trunk of a tree to steady myself, butterflies dancing in my stomach as my jackhammering heart only further rises in tempo after my eyes adjust to the heavy beams of sunlight that fill this open space.
There on a bed of flowers and vines and adorned in a long pure white night gown of a dress, Sandra rests prone and alone with her own curly brunette locks flowing behind her as she lays on her side. She hums out music of the song in mused contemplation, twirling a finger through the grass below, making small buds of pink, yellow, and red wildflowers dance to life under her gentle ministrations. I can only stand there in a mix between awe and a nearly overwhelming sense of longing, but no matter how much I will my feet to drag me the last scant distance to where my heart is aching to be, I am enraptured to stillness by both her voice and her actions.
Her slow trace along the ground stops after only a couple of moments of my arrival, her head slowly turning over to me with the same honeyed eyes as mine. A smile that rivals – no – firmly outshines the sun above dazzles into existence as she starts to stand up from her flowered floor, her physical beauty truly resounding inside of me for the first time as I feel my knees go weak, eventually sliding myself to the peat and moss below. With graceful, almost musical steps she draws closer, the smile never waning in intensity or earnestness as her long dress trails behind her. When she finally reaches me, she lowers down to my level in fluid and perfect motion before she raises up both her hands to cup my cheeks and sings out with that ethereal voice:
And in my hour of darkness,
She is standing, right in front of me~.
Speaking words of wisdom… Let it be.
I nearly sob at the overwhelming emotions, not entirely sure why they’re all hitting so hard right now but there is one thing I know for sure as she glides a thumb over a freshly made tear streak on my face. I lunge forward, returning the gesture she is giving me as my hands fly to her cheeks and our lips crash and press into each other, the world around us almost exploding in every color known to existence and beyond. The faint sound of horns, drums, and string all echo to the rhythm and tune of the glorious melody she had brought forth sound out around us, though I’m barely able to hear it as the blood rushes to my ears and between the choked cries I fail to restrain.
Time seems to stop existing as we hold each other, greedily latching our grips to our bodies in near desperation while our lips never part, neither of us wanting to end this magical moment. Eventually though, I run out of air and pull back just enough to take in her natural scent mixed with lavender, a familiar perfume that she loved to wear back on Earth. “Sandra…” I say out in prayer, my eyes flooding without restraint as I bury my head into her neck and wrap my arms around her.
“The one and only, hehe~. Hello, baby girl~.” She responds back in a loving chuckle as she strokes my back and hair, every single light touch sending prismatic shockwaves through my entire soul and being as I shiver against her, just letting the emotions flow from inside of me. “Shh. It’s alright, I’m right here.” She coos repeatedly as she rocks me, eventually pulling my legs into her lap so that she can hold me almost like a child.
I finally compose myself enough, the tears and tempest of emotions having calmed down to the point where all that is left is the comforting glow of home. Of rightness. I also slowly realize that our bodies are so pressed together that our chests are quite pancaked against themselves. Something I become very aware of as a drop of pink splashes amongst the calm and I pull back after a cough, just enough to let the small hint of embarrassed arousal fade.
Sandra just smiles back and gives me a kiss on the cheek before saying out playfully, “What~? Am I not comfy enough for you all of the sudden?” Even her voice is nearly enough to make me weak! I choke out an attempt at laughter, about to play it off and try and process this a little more before she cups my cheek again, turning me to face her still radiantly smiling face. “It’s alright, Aims. I can feel you still aren’t quite comfortable with the physical stuff just yet, and that’s completely fine. Let’s just sit here for a moment and talk like we used to, okay?”
I hang my head, or well. As much as I can with her holding my chin up as I reply, “I’m sorry… I love you, more than I ever thought possible, and that only gets more certain and truer as time goes on now. But…” I pause as I regard her in full again, the same flash of pink crossing my cheeks and staining my soul, “you’re just so beautiful. I think… this is the first time that love for me really gained the physical attraction aspect of it, if that makes sense? I know we’ve kissed before, and just now, but that just felt… right? Like, I finally found the missing piece of me.” She just hums softly in acknowledgement at my shy tone, but the eagerness and pride in her eyes are easy enough to see. And feel, through our bond. The colors of gold and purple mixing and batting away the small tendril of blue, caressing the pink, as we stare lovingly into each other’s eyes.
“I understand~. I’ve been looking at you in that way for… well, awhile. As much as this current version of myself can recall at least~. Always thinking you were some kind of gorgeous angel, beauty incarnate. I’m just glad you’re starting to see me in that way too~.” She giggles as she rubs her face into mine before squeezing me in her hug. “We’ll go at whatever pace and however far you feel comfortable with, okay? We’ve got all the time in the world now to discover the depths of our connection.” She says out softly, her words a lullaby of acceptance dancing their tune through my ears as she stands and guides us both back to her flower bed.
I can’t help but give her a big smile as a reply, hugging onto her arm while we walk. The realm seems to have returned to normal, the angelic instruments and kaleidoscope colors fading back into etherealness as the golden sun returns to its place in the sky, the forest around us springing back into life once more. As she sits both of us down on the – surprisingly comfortable – grown bed, I take another passing look at the scenery before asking out to her, “So… What is all of this? I woke up in the dream back in my old room, in mom and dad’s place. But when I opened the door to your room to go look for you, it took me here.”
Sandra gives a fake gasp of shock before replying, “You went through my room without asking me?! That’s so rude!” We both erupt into a small few seconds of lighthearted chuckles before she answers honestly, “I don’t really know to be honest with you.” She twirls her hand once more to the greenery below, their fibers almost reaching up like they are eager for her touch and embrace before she continues, “I did like you asked, tried sorting through some of the memories and stuff on my own but it was… hard.”
I swallow the heaviest lump of guilt that I’ve ever had before, my mind threatening to scream out in apology before she looks over to me with that same kind smile. “Don’t do that. Don’t beat yourself up for something I did, or something you think you had an obligation to. I told you to live your life while we figure this out, and its my soul to fix in the first place, okay?” She leans in and gives me a kiss on the cheek, my soul lighting up in a myriad of color as my heart does pirouettes.
“I love you so much, Aims.” She whispers gently to me as she backs away, “But you are your own worst enemy nearly every time. Let me guess, you feel guilty because this is the first time we’ve met back up?”
I can only hang my head and nod, feeling her arms draping over me to pull me into a hug. “Well, for me, this is the first time I’ve woken up since we fought the zombies and I tried sorting some of this out on my own. After you left, I went through as much as I could, but it was exhausting. I could feel myself get spread a little too thin, like butter spread over too much bread~.” She ends with a little lilt to her voice, prompting me to raise my head in alarm.
“What? I thought you’d like that reference… wait, is that a reference? I’m not sure, it just seemed like an inside joke or something.” She flippantly says with a shrug, ignoring the most explosive information she just handed out to me!
“Sandra Dufort!!” I exclaim loudly as I grab her shoulders, her eyes going a little wide at my sudden display, “You shouldn’t be putting that much stress on yourself! You could accidentally get hurt or lose even more of yourself instead of getting healed! I know we agreed that you could try to recover some memories on your own, but you’re making me really regret that decision right now!” I cry out, the heated prick of liquid once more dabbing the corners of my eyes as I stare at her in a mix of reproach and worry. Odd to be on the other side of this feeling for once…
She just blinks to me a couple times, her surprised face flowing seamlessly back into her pristine smile as she raises one of my hands to her face. “You’re right. I’m sorry baby girl. I promise I won’t take it that far again in the future, at least not without you here, okay?”
I shake my head animatedly before pulling her towards me so that I can rest my head against her shoulder and reply, “No, we’re never going that far again, either of us. If you feel like you’re getting too tired, even if I’m here with you, then we stop and come back to something safe and familiar. Or this… Disney princess forest you dreamt up.” I extend my arms one last time as I give her the sternest glare I can muster before saying out with conviction, the space around us growing heavy with intent, “I will not lose you again, do you hear me? Never again.”
Sandra looks at me studiously for a few moments before simply nodding her head and pulling us back into a hug, stroking my back comfortingly as I growl a little from the lingering flash of anxiousness and protective anger. ‘Oh sure, I nearly killed myself and maybe almost erased my existence because I was trying to be an overachiever! I’m sure nothing could go wrong with that at all and my soulmate will be super chill about it!’ Crazy woman! And then she just mentions it like it was nothing! And it kinda irritates me how easily she’s calming me down just by rocking me back and forth and comforting me!! Damn it, I wanna be mad!
Sadly, or more likely fortunately, she does exactly that after a few minutes of careful pampering, allowing me to calm down somewhat. Its then I notice the ruby tint that is receding, realizing that she probably already knew how upset I was even if I didn’t voice it. She quickly confirms my thought as she apologetically speaks into my ear, “I am really sorry, Aims. I just wanted to try my best and get back to you as fast as possible. I want you to know that at no point did I ever feel in danger, I was just tired. I promise I would have stopped if something felt wrong, okay? I don’t ever want to leave you either, trust me.”
Well shit, I can’t really say anything to combat that… I lean back, my eyes flashing to her rosy lips before I meet them with mine, albeit in a much softer affair than earlier. Sandy hums out a little surprise as the overflowing colors spring forth around us once more, giving in to the loving mesh of pliant flesh as she holds my head in her hands. We break away as I say, “Alright. Sorry for getting mad at you. Well, not you really, just what you did. Just… be careful from now on okay? I’ve been trying to meet back up for a week on the outside, but it seems like maybe we couldn’t link up because you were recovering here. Speaking of… what is this place?”
Sandra giggles before she ruffles my wild hair lovingly, “Well, I was getting to that before you scolded me~. Which was actually kind of nice, in a weird sense. It really made my heart flutter seeing you be so protective over me~. Mwah!” She ends with a kiss on my cheek, the blush flashing to my face instantly as I harumph and cross my arms playfully.
Another chorus of sing song giggles in that heavenly pitch later, and she continues on with her retelling, “So, after I had to take a break, I woke up here. I don’t remember making or dreaming of this place, and I’m sure you can agree that we’ve never been somewhere like this before so it’s not a memory. I woke up probably just when you did, and I when I went to stand up, I saw how the flowers started blooming anywhere I touched, so I just kind of got lost in experimenting with that. It’s also just so serene and nice feeling here, almost like home…”
I listen attentively to her tale, watching her idly reach over to play with the grass as she talks about the flowers, some new ones coming to life under her fingertips before she looks back to me with an innocent smile. Well, I agree with her that it’s definitely not a memory. Regular oak trees aren’t the size of a 10-story tall building back on Earth. “I agree that it’s a very nice place, and I know what you’re talking about with it feeling so peaceful. I wonder if some kind of Mara thing is happening… Maybe I should ask Akiko or Ios when I have to wake up, or even the Empress…” I posit out as I rub my chin.
I look back to the radiant being after my ruminations, her proud and happy gaze still lasered onto me while I was thinking aloud as she hums her agreement. “Sounds like a plan~.” I chuckle as I lean against her, both of us slowly sliding to prone as we drape our arms over each other, legs intertwining as our faces exist mere inches apart. “I think you’re going to wake up soon, I can feel it. I promise to be more careful so that we can spend more time together and work on healing me. Want to give me a kiss before you go~?” Sandy says out quietly, a small spark of melancholy dancing behind those so far happy eyes that nearly breaks my heart which is already on the verge after feeling what she means, like my connection is tethering out again.
I lock her into me, our faces meshing together one last time – for now – as the prismatic colors return in a calmer, but no less vibrant and euphoric display. After we break for breath, Sandra cups my cheek once more and says out resolutely, “I love you.” In an instant, I find myself back in my bed on Mara, staring up at the wooden arched ceiling.
