Phew, what a day!
Getting this fight behind us is a huge weight off my shoulders. Despite not being able to deploy my entire harem, we still managed to defeat multiple Jonin-level threats without suffering any casualties. And we even did it on Hard Mode! We’re basically free and clear through to the Time Skip now.
After I awaken from that weird void-conversation with the Sage of Six Paths, the others catch up to us. Lee, my Konoha girls, and the Sand ninja team all head home together with Naruto and me.
I was worried Naruto would retreat into himself after the trauma of breaking up with Sasuke, but what actually happens is the opposite. It seems like Naruto is throwing himself into his other relationships for comfort because the original (Sasuke’s Naruto) disappears. Presumably, one of the Naruto’s (or Naruko’s) is now the original, and they’re not telling to spare our feelings.
It’s not like that matters to me. I’ve already established that any random Shadow Clone is just as real as the original emotionally. That’s what counts in my books. For all I care, those other Naruko’s and Naruto’s getting with other people are simply twin siblings to my Naruko. It’s not cheating if everyone consents, and it’s not like I have to share her time with the other members of the Naru- Reverse Harem.
Anyway, my girls are incredibly proud of themselves, and rightly so. Gaara, Kankuro, and Temari are a bit put-out that they came all this way for nothing (they got here early because their Naruto’s knew the situation instantly, only arriving late to the party because we started pursuit of the Sound Five during the night instead of waiting till morning), but it’s fine. The boys are planning another trip to the Hot Springs (Fubuki and Kin-Kitty following in disguise to sate the fujoshi’s fetish) while Temari is content to be carried by her new girlfriend, my wife Tenten. Polyamory sure is swell!
Kakashi even joins us on the way back, having gone after Sasuke the moment he was finally made aware of the situation by Tsunade. He’s noticeably upset that his pupil left the Village, though he perks up when a Naruto invites him to the Hot Springs. What they get up to there is none of my business!
I need to update my harem on the current state of affairs, plan for the future, and implant them with the next round of Kekkei Genkai insects. First things first, though. Before we can relax, I want to take care of my latest prisoner.
“What the hell is this?” Guren asks, incredulously gesticulating at the furniture.
“Your room?” I reply with my driest tone.
“This isn’t a torture chamber or even a prison cell—it’s a guest room!” Indeed, the room is furnished with a comfy bed, a serviceable chair, a shelf of books, and even a TV.
“Yep. You’re my guest. My permanent guest, but one nonetheless. Since I took over the Aburame clan, we’ve started keeping all our POWs in rooms like this. At least, until we can safely release them.”
She glares at me. “So, never? Hmph. Well, you can’t hold me here forever. I’m one of Orochimaru-sama’s elites! I’ll find a way to escape.”
I raise an eyebrow. “Even like this?” I ask, pointing first at the Chakra Disruption Device (purloined from the Land of Snow) strapped to her waist, and then to the swarm of Crystal-immune parasitic insects crawling on every surface.
“…” Her silence speaks volumes.
“Guren-chan, this is a place where good behavior is rewarded with additional freedoms. Social calls and even time in the open air are on the table even if you don’t want to join my team or my harem. Bad behavior isn’t punished, exactly, but we won’t replace any items you decide to break. You get three meals a day and dessert if you cooperate.” That’s not even a euphemism. Imomushi makes a mean parfait!
“You’re naive and a fool,” she growls. “By now, Sasuke-kun has told Orochimaru-sama everything. He knows what you’re doing with the kunoichi you stole from him, he knows where I am, and he’s already plotting how to get me back. He won’t simply allow you to crank out copies of my Crystal Release. It’s only a matter of time before you’re crushed, and I’m freed to return to his side. My body is a precious vessel for him!”
“Is it though?” I ask, breaking her flow as I derail her train of thought. “Something has been bothering me since I saw you with the Sound Four. Why don’t you have a Curse Mark? Orochimaru-kun always places his mark on potential vessels, like Kimimaro-kun and Sasuke-kun.” It helps him erode their will prior to the body-hop, increasing the forbidden jutsu’s chances of success.
Frowning, she gives a rote answer, “Kabuto-kun and I were too valuable to risk with a potentially-lethal Curse Mark. It has a 90% mortality rate.”
“I buy that for Kabuto because of his medical ninjutsu skills. That’s not easy to replace. However, Orochimaru-kun put his Mark on Sakon, Ukon, and Kimimaro, who all had rare Kekkei Genkai because he wanted their bodies. So, why not you, Guren-chan? The Crystal Release is a potent ability that the old snake would love to possess.”
“…”
“Is this the patient?” Tsunade asks as she enters the room, Shizune trailing behind as always.
“Yes, and thank you again for coming, Hokage-sama. The Aburame clan takes this gesture of trust seriously, and I consider this expenditure of your time and effort as a personal favor.” I have no illusions about luring Tsunade into the main house to pit her against the parasitic insect queen’s swarm even if I wanted to play a conflict with her that way. Her giant slug summon would crush my entire clan in an instant.
“I’m not going to let a case like this slide after hearing about it,” Tsunade responds before slipping into a devious grin. “Although, a few more bottles of the good stuff wouldn’t be out of line~” Then the Hokage turns to Guren while putting on a disposable glove with a snap of latex, “Alright, bend over.”
“E-excuse me?” Guren blinks in shock at the apropos-of-nothing demand, hands unconsciously falling to her crotch defensively.
“Ma’am, I’m a medical professional. I assure you my personal proclivities have nothing to do with this, and the last thing I want on my desk as the new Hokage is sexual misconduct accusations.”
Guren just stands there dumbly. She’s unable to comprehend the implications of what’s happening.
Tsunade sighs and says, “Whatever, I’ll just use a chakra probe,” before coating two fingers with Mystical Healing Palm chakra and shoving them so hard into Guren’s gut the Crystal user doubles over gasping. “Hmm, mmm-hmm, yep,” Tsunade mumbles to herself while moving her digits across Guren’s belly as if peering inside the woman’s internal organs despite the barrier of clothing. Seemingly satisfied, she then pushes Guren onto the bed before continuing.
“Yeah, you’re going to need a hysterectomy.”
“W-w-wha?”
Tsunade rips off the latex glove and throws it in the trash. “I’d give you five to ten years at best without intervention.”
I cough into my fist while Shizune face-palms, both of us embarrassed on Tsunade’s behalf by her terrible bedside manner. At least she let Guren sit down before breaking the bad news. “Ahem, I thought your lack of a Curse Mark was weird and looked you over with my Byakugan after the fight. I saw some suspicious growths and requested a confirmation from Tsunade-sama. She just confirmed you’ve got uterine cancer. Orochimaru-kun knew. You were never a potential vessel for him, as he prefers his hosts to be healthy, and your body would’ve been too weak to accept a Curse Mark. He’s reckless with human lives, but he wouldn’t throw away your abilities on a one percent chance of success that he’d never see the full return on investment—he just strung you along with false promises of grandeur.”
In the Anime, Guren was supposedly next in line to be Orochimaru’s next vessel if the old snake couldn’t sink his claws into Sasuke before the deadline. It was never a coincidence that Guren ‘didn’t make it in time,’ like the explanation given in the filler episodes. Just like it wasn’t a coincidence that she didn’t have the Cursed Seal. Everything happens for a reason, and Orochimaru is no dummy.
I set a bottle with a pill on the counter. “Guren-chan, I know this is a lot to take in. Tsunade-sama agreed in advance to perform the surgery in exchange for a modest fee, but we won’t rush you into it. She’s the best in the world, and we caught this early enough that you should still be able to live a healthy, full life. The pill on the counter is a modification of the Aburame clan’s Pseudo-Uterine Tapeworm (don’t ask) I specifically had bred for women in situations like this. You’d be the first test-case, but I’m confident in the results. Please, take your time and think things over. I’ll be sending in Kin Tsuchi and Tayuya-chan to speak with you in the next few days. They’re starting an ex-Sound ninja support group and would be happy to have you join. Send for me any time, day or night, if you want to chat; I’m just a few floors away.”
Guren has a thousand-yard stare as the rest of us exit the prison cell.
Sorry to take a break on a down-note like this, but expect a hiatus on RaSfNbIaG for a bit. Hopefully not as long as the last one!
