I woke up bleary eyed and aching. I lost count of how many times Bongani had driven me over the edge after his own peak. My chest rose and fell softly as I heard the breathing of Bongani against my side. I hadn’t even recognized that he had laid next to me instead of retreating to the floor. I looked over at him and placed my hand on the small of his back. He had earned sleeping on the bed either way.
I felt the anger, diminished now that I had been so tended to. Slowly, carefully I slipped from bed and wrapped the blanket back around him. I felt conflicted, all my life I had been taught he should be lesser and not worth the consideration. Standing there I was wracked with thought, everything I knew was changed. I longed for Aphiwe and Melokuhle to be here with me. To help be what I was supposed to be. I had only Bongani to lead, and even then I was barely needed.
I dressed and shook Bongani lightly. As he looked at me I met his eyes and held them. I kissed him lightly, “Stay here. I need to get some air. Get some sleep.” I stroked his cheek lightly. Part of me wanted to grab and force him to agree but instead I walked away.
Leaving the hut I looked around at everything around me. I had so little money now that I had lost it all betting on myself. A sense of paranoia crept into my chest so I grabbed the small pouch of money and tucked it into my breasts. Looking around at each person I could tell that there was truly no one but Bongani I could trust here.
Walking through the streets I tried to absorb everything around me and soak in what this place meant to me. What I would now be going through to free myself from the trap I was in. I had never felt so young. I couldn’t just beat things into submission. I felt… small. The world was so much bigger than my mother had ever told me. More complex in a way I had never been trained to handle.
“I was never supposed to be Ade,” I whispered to myself. Homes slid by, I found myself in the market. The voices of all those merchants calling to everyone walking by. Enticing them into buying useless jewelry, baubles, and food you could make for cheaper. “I was never supposed to be here,” My mind raced as things began to blur in my vision. Wiping at my eyes I looked down at the tear on my finger. My throat was thick and heavy. Breathing was hard.
Overwhelmed by everything around me I tried to find somewhere dark. Somewhere to be alone. I pushed and shoved people out of my way as I slipped between buildings and behind things. The smell of emptied chamber pots filled the air between them and I couldn’t help but feel as disgusting as all the things around me.
Making sure no one was watching me I sat on my heels and hugged my knees. I buried my face in that moment and felt the tears escape. Mother never wanted you to take over. You were just a breeding sow. A dark voice echoed in my head. You were never going to be good enough to be a successor.
“Shut up,” I croaked as my shoulders shook.
Admit it, no matter what you did Mother would never have been proud of you. It laughed, a mocking cold laugh that sent shivers down my spine.
“Please,” I asked, “Please stop.”
You are breaking. It won’t matter in five years. You’ll barely last a few months like this. Thank the Gods Melokuhle was spared your incompetence. She’d be so disappointed.
I couldn’t hold back a sob. I tried to strangle it as pieces of me fell away. My strength meant nothing. What could I be without that? What could define me if it wasn’t to be strong? I shuddered with each breath.
Failure. It was my Mother’s voice now. FAILURE FAILURE FAILURE FAILURE! It cried over and over as I couldn’t hide from the storm. I let it tear through me. Rip apart my resolve.
Return, beg Mother for forgiveness. Throw yourself at the feet of Ade. It would be a betrayal to myself. But I would have Them back. They would look at me differently. See that I was weak. See that I didn’t have the resolve to prove myself.
“I can’t,” I choked out. “I can’t give in like that.” Slowly I looked at the pieces of myself shattered in my mind. Each time I reached out for them I found them slipping through my fingers like sand. The more I scrambled the harder it was to grab what made me worth something.
I have to be more. I have to change.
If I was a champion. Then I needed to know if I was a weapon, a shield, a tool, I had to be something. I couldn’t be nothing. I couldn’t let it all be stripped from me. Going from the yoke of my mother to that of Tala. Even the pride had used me.
Only those I loved didn’t use me. They had shown me selflessness. Compassion. Had built me to be more than what I was before. Their strength was my own. It was what could make me greater. I just didn’t have those around me that loved me. Only Bongani.
“What am I Hathor?” My voice wasn’t even a whisper. Just mouthed words. I was not vengeance, I was not a peerless warrior. I had been reduced to a fool.
I didn’t know how long I sat there, breathing, trying to control myself. The tears stopped. The sobbing ceased. Forcing calm in my spine and bones I looked at the wall across from me. I needed more while I was here. Experience, and I got more by showing compassion and love. I needed to find someone. Someone that needed those things. That desired to be treated those ways.
There would be no getting away from fighting in the arena. I couldn’t deny my debt. That didn’t mean I was trapped in doing only that. It was time to learn. Time to become something more than my mother ever thought I could be. She had reached her limits in the eyes of Montu. I had to find the limits that Hathor had set out for myself.
I stopped reaching for those things that had made me strong. I would be forged, in different fires. My destiny was still before me. In lands unknown. To continue on blindly would be foolish. It was time to learn. Reading, writing, math, the rules these people followed. During that I would find someone, anyone that needed to be soothed and shown pleasure. I didn’t know if I could blindly show love to all those around me. To do that and lose them when it was time to move on would be a hell in and of itself.
Standing I wiped my eyes clear. I took deep, even breaths. It was not time to break. I could do that the day I had Them in my arms once more. Only then would I allow myself to break, just a little. I looked at the sky and thought of Them. “Please, wait for me.”
…
Aphiwe threw down her spear shaft. Her hands were bloody and tears stained her eyes from the pain. Not the pain of her hands, the ache of her legs, the screaming of her shoulders. The pain of missing Aphelele. At night, nestled in the arms of Melokuhle she could still smell her. Aphiwe was nothing before Big Sister had taken her in. A child with no mother, a child who had slain their mother during birth. A cursed one.
Her heart told her she brought that curse to Big Sister. That if Aphiwe had just been left alone to starve it wouldn’t have happened. Aphelele would not be banished. It was a foolish thought. The thought only a child could have.
A few happy fleeting days irrevocably changed Aphiwe’s destiny. From starving to death, to thriving under the guidance of bigger sisters. Yet the path of the warrior felt wrong. Each spear thrust without the guidance of Big Sister it felt hollow. Pointless. Instead Aphiwe wanted to learn. To become something she knew Aphelele would be proud of.
Fingers bleeding she turned away from the training yard and into the village once more. Leaving the spear on the ground. Tonight, she would be brave. She would ask the women who the Gods were. Then she would pray. She would ask each of them how to get back to Big Sister. So Aphiwe could apologize for the curse.
…
Melokuhle felt the tang of cud on her tongue. It was maddening though. Lethabo had started her breeding week. The mere scent of her caused Melokuhle to grow hard enough to ache. At night, when all others were asleep and Aphiwe wouldn’t stir Melokuhle would slip away.
The fresh air would help. Sometimes. Instead Melokuhle went to the fighting pit that she had been claimed in. Where the orgy of ascension had happened. Remembering fighting and struggling not to be claimed. Then, when it was over. When she was conquered. She remembered she hadn’t regretted it.
Melokuhle would sit then. Thinking of her Love’s face. The tender nights they had shared that was more than just fucking and claiming. To be used for pleasure had been nice. But that lingering touch. The kisses that meant more than she ever could have expected. Those had been divine. Five years would be an eternity. Famine, sickness, war, any of it could rob her of the chance to see her Love again. That was why she would not wait.
In time, when Ade had calmed down and Melokuhle had been forgotten. She would take Aphiwe into the world. She would ask every God for guidance and track down Aphelele. Melokuhle’s heart was too full of love to sit around and do nothing.
Somewhere, deep down. She knew when Aphelele was thinking of her. Could feel a ripple across the world that day. Destiny had changed. Aphiwe had come home early and started asking questions. Even while she winced at the poultice and bandages put upon her hands. Eyes that had been dull had shimmered instead. Melokuhle, for the first time in weeks, smiled.
“I’ll come for you when I can Love.”
Feat Unlocked, Binding of Hathor.
